Keep Going for Ro- A Blog by Brynn

A few days ago I left my son, husband, and home for the first time since my daughter passed away. To most this wouldn’t seem like a big deal but for me this was a huge milestone that I reached. My cousin had surgery and needed my company for a few days to get back on her feet. She lives up north about 2.5 hours away. First of all I hate driving in the city. I consider Olympia the city and get overwhelmed just driving there let alone through Tacoma and Seattle. Anyway, I love her so much and wanted to be there for her during this time. My drive there wasn’t so bad. I didn’t hit too much traffic and rocked out the whole way there. I enjoyed my time visiting my cousin as I always do. We never seem to have a dull moment together. She’s such a positive person and cheers me up at my lowest of lows. Being away from home does create some added anxiety for me though. I worry about my son and husband so much. I know they are completely capable without me, but I can’t help but worry about them and wonder if my husband’s depressed or lonely when I'm gone. I really did much better than I expected myself to do. I've just realized that no matter where I go and who I'm with I can't escape my loneliness. I still feel like I'm missing something everywhere I go. My mini me, my best friend, my shopping partner, my giggle bunny is missing. Spending time in the car alone is really one of things I dread the most. I got stuck in traffic on my way home and it took me over 3.5 hours to get back. My thoughts and flashbacks take over quickly. I try to keep myself distracted. I even start praying aloud when I start seeing images of the accident and my deceased daughter. I pray to take away the bad images and just fill my mind with all the good memories we shared. They do usually stop, but only temporarily. As Cassie has shared in her blogs certain things trigger these flashbacks. I am finding out that it's a lot of things. Ambulances, sirens, a blonde haired baby, a crying child, certain songs, white bathrobes, polka dot pj’s. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can't escape that terrible day that has turned our lives upside down. I hear from people almost every day that I need to slow down to adjust my schedule and take time for myself. I wish I could and actually be able to enjoy quiet relaxing time. The painful truth is that I hate being alone. I dread the silence of the car driving anywhere without my daughter giggling in the backseat. Shopping isn't fun anymore and I steer far away from the children's section for fear of a meltdown. I had to buy a couple kids presents while I was gone and that in itself was a challenge. I see all these toys and clothes I want to buy for Rowyn. I actually still buy her little things sometimes because I can't stand not to.. It may seem crazy to be buying my deceased daughter gifts but sometimes it's all I can do to feel like I'm doing something nice for her still. Call me crazy but it’s just something that makes me feel better so I do it. On this crazy roller coaster of grief and pain I will do whatever I can to feel better. Right now that is keeping myself focused on my charity Raise for Rowyn and staying busy doing positive things. Every day is a challenge but I keep going for Ro.