Twin Chaos- A Blog by Brynn

Twin Chaos

Today in the middle of my hectic schedule, I decided to make a stop at our Cousin Christine's house. Family time is always a priority to me, as well as healing so I try to fit it in where I can. I text her on my way to let her know I was coming and her response was "ok I will hurry and put some makeup on." I laugh to myself about this because I myself barely had time to fill in my invisible eyebrows and haven’t washed my hair in four days! So I respond "I look like a train wreck so no worries impressing me." As I pull into her drive I have the pep talk with Wyatt about sharing and being nice to his baby cousins. This is STILL a battle with my 3 year old......although I have seen a change in him since losing his baby sister but he has a lot of work to do. I let myself in and Christine is down the hall changing the babies. I notice right off the bat how clean her house is. I think to myself how does she keep an immaculate house with twins, dogs, teenagers, and a husband??? I really need to know her secret. I hear the giggles of the twins. There they are, happy little boys crawling down the hall to see me. AHHH! Seeing them brings such a mix of emotion, excitement and sadness. I fight back the tears and go scoop up little Tate. He's the snuggle bunny. Christine and I catch up as Wyatt and Tucker start to tear into the organized toys. I snuggle little Tate as long as I can until he squirms down to join the boys. In a matter of seconds every single toy is out and 40 pound Wyatt is riding a baby scooter thru the house shooting golf balls everywhere. This is the crazy chaos that I love and I miss so much. I don’t have this anymore......taking care of Wyatt can still be challenging but going from having 2 little crazy kids to 1 seems dull. I miss having baby toys all over my house. I miss the sibling rivalry and squabbles over toys. I miss hearing my baby cry. I miss changing diapers. I absolutely dread the silence that can come over my house without Rowyn. Watching the twins play and follow Wyatt around takes me on the roller coaster of my grief. I am very good at hiding my emotions so I don’t think Christine picked up on how I was feeling. I watch Tucker with his white blonde hair, bouncing on his knees across the floor. He throws in a couple of dance moves as he scoots. His mannerisms, looks, and traits always remind me so much of Rowyn that it is a painful joy to watch. He is the rowdy one just like my Ro. He's into everything leaving a trail behind him. He's not intimidated by Wyatt. He just wants to play and doesn’t make a peep when Wyatt is overly rough with him. I try to pick up the house a bit before we leave but Christine doesn’t seem concerned at all. After I leave I can’t help but yearn for that chaos back in my life. At 31 years old I would be thrilled with another baby, even better TWINS! Those of you that know me well know that I would never ever say this before. After losing Rowyn I just crave that craziness that comes along with children. In a sense I feel like I’m starting life all over again. Trying to find a new routine and reality, and nothing feels right. I pray that God will bless me with more children. Not to EVER replace my Rowyn but to possibly help mend the gaping hole in my heart. I feel incomplete and lost without taking care of my baby. Taking care of Wyatt seems simple after already caring for 2 kids only 22 months apart. The thought crosses my mind that what if this is what God has in store for me???? Only caring for 1 child.....I don’t think I will be fulfilled. Only time will tell, until that time comes all I can do is hope and pray that the lord blesses me with a house full of healthy children.

#rowyn #raiseforrowyn