Uncharted Territory- A Blog by Cassie

Here we are, the final three days before the anniversary of what is known as the worst day of our lives. I have been dreading these final three days for obvious reasons, but Monday marks the 3rd day of school, the 3rd day that we never made it to last September. Tuesday marks the dreaded Tuesday for me, the day of the week of our accident a year ago. And Wednesday, is the anniversary, September 16.

This entire year has been a year of firsts. Everything has been ”just making it,” “in the meantime,” ups and downs like never before experienced. These are the final three days of this uncharted territory, because after Wednesday, the days following the dreadful life altering day, we have already endured once. We no longer have to experience the first holidays, or the first anniversary. It doesn’t mean they won’t be painful, but we have been through it all before. The map that has been missing for this entire year to teach me, how do I make it?, when will it get better?, and why do I feel this way?, I now have the map. I’ve done it all once before.

We are different people, live life a bit differently now, and praise God for leading us through the trenches of our own personal hell. My heart will forever hold a spot that is reserved just for Rowyn. Someone so small, who has flipped my world completely upside down. However, this small beautiful person held a key to my life. She has led me to the Lord, shown me how strong I truly am, and for that, I am forever grateful.

I have also gained an incredible friendship with beautiful Brynn, who is really family to me. I think she is the strongest person that I know. Just last Saturday we stood in Rowyn and Mynrow’s Bedroom, where she showed me small changes she was making and teeny tiny baby clothes she had boughten. Though the excitement of Mynrow’s arrival is just weeks away, we cried together, while our kids played in the room next door. What a situation we were standing in, considering a year ago we were making carpool arrangements for preschool. Through her tears in the bedroom Brynn said to me, “You know this is going to be the hardest week for us yet.” Through my own eye floods, I nodded my head yes.

So far, for me it has been. Today (Monday), felt impossible at times. I lost it in the preschool parking lot. When the emotions arose, I found myself sobbing loudly like a baby in my car. I could not cry quietly, it was not possible. Pain, shame, guilt, and the wish to go back and change everything that we did that day to prevent the outcome. It is still there, and I presume it always will be.

Time has not stopped for us to grieve, and life has moved on. I hope that this will mark a new beginning for me, and I can finally feel like I am moving on myself. Though I know that I will still experience ups and downs, it will no longer be uncharted territory. I have a map.

*Thank you to everyone who has rode along side me in this journey this past year. You know who you are, and I am incredibly blessed!