Feeling Numb- A Blog By Brynn

I have had many days lately where I finally am alone for a few moments and my tears just start flowing. I blame some of the extra emotions on being pregnant with raging hormones but we all know why the other reason is. Rowyn’s accident anniversary is creeping up on me and I am in a constant state of shock and denial still when I actually slow down long enough to think about it. Someone shared a memory on Facebook yesterday of my daughter blowing her duck call and laughing. The video was taken about 2 weeks prior to her passing. She was laughing hysterically at herself, no pants on, her chubby little legs and feet, and her laugh is ever so sweetly contagious. Seeing this video when I guess I wasn’t mentally prepared first definitely took me by surprise. I watched it over and over though. I couldn’t help it. Thru my tears I just watched and listened to what I used to have and experience everyday. Sadly all I could think of after is I will never hear that sound again, of her laughing and blowing a duck call. It’s moments like that as a grieving mother that catch me off guard and I can’t contain my tears any longer. Once I go out in public it’s like I go numb. I stuff the emotions away, and I don’t allow myself to really feel I guess. The only way I can describe it is I feel completely numb. I just keep myself distracted as much as possible. When Rowyn’s favorite song comes on or another reminder while I am at work that’s of course all I can think of. So I just try to keep the conversation going on some other random topic to distract myself and keep it together. Another thing that really hit me hard while watching the video of my daughter is that I forgot what her laugh sounded like. Seeing that brought it back to me but I hated the fact that I forgot that she sounded that way. I try everyday to keep her always fresh in my mind, but sadly those special things are slowly fading. I know one day I will solely have to rely on technology to recall my memories of her. Which I am so grateful that we have. I was always taking pictures and videos of her so I cherish all of them. I feel so bad for the parents that lost a child before we had cell phones and access to a recorder on any device pretty much. I know a few mommas out there that don’t have what I have. So I am so thankful for the videos even though they can be painful to watch. I haven’t watched the video that was made and played during Rowyn’s celebration of life since that dreadful day. I am planning on watching it on the anniversary date……I am so terrified of the pain it will bring but I miss her so much and want nothing more than to refresh those memories of her in my mind.