Leaving Without Rowyn- A Blog by Brynn

Leaving without Rowyn

1/27/15

Today the feeling of guilt overcame me. I was cleaning up at work getting ready to leave when the sadness and guilt hits me. I am leaving! Our bags are packed and when I leave work today I'm picking up the boys, bringing Rowyn some fresh flowers and headed out on vacation. I'm the one that planned this vacation. I picked the resort, planned when we would leave, had to convince my husband that we needed this. Now all of the sudden I'm feeling so wrong on every level. I don't have a tiny little bikini in my suitcase for Rowyn....I break down into tears at work in front of all the girls. Thankfully only one client was in the salon and I had time to hide in the back before she saw me crying. Stacey rubbed calming oils on my head and neck trying to comfort me......this is not the first time this has happened at work. Thankfully I work with some amazing women that are so supportive. After I compose myself, I say my goodbyes and head home to pick up the boys. I burst into tears as soon as I get into my car and cry the whole way home. I can't help but feel so bad going anywhere without her, let alone all the way to Hawaii. I just feel like her bags should be packed too. I get home and Cody can see that I had been crying. He doesn't have to ask because he knows what's wrong. I know that he's feeling the same way. It's the unspoken message that we receive just by making eye contact. I see the pain in his eyes. We load up the car in silence and head to the cemetery. Nobody says a word but chatterbox Wyatt. I'm so tuned out I don't even know what he's talking about. Every time I am going to visit Rowyn at the cemetery I have a pit in my stomach the whole way there. I usually start having to take deep breaths the whole way down Northcraft Rd. I could puke. We pull in and Cody gives me a few minutes by myself to give Rowyn her fresh flowers and talk to her. I tell her I sure hope she's coming with us on or trip and I miss her so much. I ask her to please send me signs so I know without a doubt she's there. Make your presence known baby please. I just want to feel you and know you are with me. I love you with all my heart and I'm so sorry that this ever happened. Cody and Wyatt come out and I say a prayer for our safe travels and ask God to send Rowyn to Hawaii with us. We don't stay long before saying our I love you's and hitting the road. We're headed to Portland to stay in a hotel tonight so we can fly out early for Hawaii. I'm hoping that the sunshine lifts our spirits and helps us reconnect as a family. Most of all I hope Angel Rowyn Leea is with us and makes her presence known.