Set in Stone- A Blog By Brynn

Set in Stone

2/17/2015

Today marks five months of Tuesdays since Rowyn has passed. It's been a hard day...I’ve been sick the last few days and have no energy. I have no motivation to go return phone calls, have company, go to work, check emails, or even get out of bed for that matter. It is now 3:30pm and I am still in pajamas. I get to this point where I just need to shut it all down for a few days. I’m overwhelmed. Is this what depression is?....I’ve never felt this way before. Or is this what everybody goes thru dealing with grief?

Last week my precious Rowyn's headstone was installed. This was the beginning of my shut down mode. Then my husband went out of town for the first time since the accident leaving me alone for a few days. Up until this point I was afraid to be alone for very long. Not for the fear of hurting myself or anything like that, but fear and anxiety of something happening to my husband or my son. Clearly life is out of my control and I can’t help but go into anxiety overload when my husband is gone. I can’t help but worry that something bad will happen again to someone I love.

I feel as if seeing my daughter’s headstone for the first time really painted a hard picture of reality for me. This is real, this is my life and I hate it. I designed everything on Rowyn's headstone. I chose Sunset as the color of the granite because I always feel her when I see the sunset. I had the most perfect angel wings etched into the stone to match my tattoo exactly. I chose the Tiffany style font because her room is Tiffany blue. I have the exact Tiffany bow etched into the back as my husband has in his tattoo. I chose a fallen feather at the bottom of her stone because she has left every person in our family and friends a feather. The headstone is THE MOST beautiful one I have ever seen and I absolutely hate it. Staring at it through my tears all I can say to my Ro Ro is I hope you like it. This is the only thing Mommy and Daddy will ever get to buy her is this stupid headstone. I should be spoiling her with a pony or a quad not a $5,000 headstone! I can’t help but be angry about it because it's simply not fair. There it is, my reality set in Sunset stone.