The Accident- A Blog by Brynn

On September 16th, 2014 my entire world as I knew it was ripped away in a matter of seconds. In that moment of witnessing the accident, I was in denial. I didn’t really think it was real. This all must be a bad dream. I’ve heard people say that before when bad things happen but now I know first hand that it’s true. I felt like I wasn’t even in my body. I was in shock and felt like I was floating through the motions. At first I didn’t even cry. I couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. The details of the day replay in my head over and over. Immediately after the accident I ran as fast as I could and scooped up Rowyn. I knew at the moment she was not living. Even though I had already processed in my mind that my daughter was dead as I held her the motions of panic set in. I won’t go into all of the details but Cassie and I tried to save my daughter. We tried until the police arrived and they took over. Cassie and I sat in the grass hugging and crying, still in complete shock. I kept praying for a miracle. I knew she was gone but maybe God would work a miracle. I started begging, pleading, cursing, screaming, all while praying. It just couldn’t be real could it. Cassie was in convulsions on the ground and I wanted to comfort her in that time. I just thought the police know what there doing they will fix her. EMT’s and firefighters also arrived. They were all surrounding Rowyn and I couldn’t see what they were doing anymore….but I was hoping they were going to tell me that they had revived her and were taking her to the hospital. The paramedic walked over and I was looking up with hope, when he told me Rowyn was dead I lost it. I just thought for sure that my life was over. I didn’t even care if it was. I didn’t care about dying, going to jail, that my family would hate me, absolutely nothing mattered to me at that time. I actually for a few minutes thought my husband might shoot me in front of the paramedics, police, and all. It was and will always be the worst day of our lives. When I was thinking in my head my life is over I distinctly remember a female voice shouting in my head “you will be okay.” I still remember what she sounded like. Nobody I recognized but an adult woman firmly shouting at me. For some reason she was convincing because my thoughts changed pretty quickly from wanting to die and give up to lets just make it another minute or two.

Over the last five months, I’ve learned how to start life all over. I really feel like everything that mattered to me before is completely different now. I have had to face the silliest challenges such as grocery shopping and just trying to work. Most people that are close to me know that being emotional in public is terrifying. Well now being emotional is a part of my everyday life. I am growing stronger but I still feel like a weak little infant starting in the world not knowing what to do or how to act. I am just trying to live somewhat of a normal life and unfortunately this is what my normal is now. Crying in public, anxiety, panic attacks, indecisiveness, forgetfulness, and being emotionally unstable. Everyday I get stronger but I still have really hard days. I didn’t understand grief before. I still really don’t. It’s a terrible pain to experience. All I know is on my hardest days I keep going. I keep going for Rowyn, Wyatt and Cody. I think often about how Rowyn can see me at all times now. I can’t hide in the closet from her like I do Wyatt when I need to let it all out. I don’t want to disappoint her and I just live my life trying to make her and God proud. I can’t wait for one day to be reunited with my Angel. I have a long way to go but until then I will be dreaming of holding Rowyn once again.