Living in Heaven's Time

Today marks 6 months since my daughter's passing. I woke up today and grabbed my phone to check the time and it says 8:18am…..the time of my daughter’s death. Really? Is this how this day has to start? I lay in bed trying to get the energy to get going. I have a client coming over in 40 minutes. I have no energy these days but just try to keep going. Its hard experiencing loss and not letting it rule you. I am constantly telling myself “don’t let this rule you or consume you, you are in control.” I still have plenty of days though where the grief and pain rules me. It’s a tough battle to face. I have many days I just want to stay in bed….like today, but I don’t like to be that person and don’t want to be.

I think back of the last 6 months and it’s just a blur. I still have a hard time keeping track of time and even remembering what month it is. I look at my phone constantly because even if I checked already I seem to forget within a couple of hours. I don’t know what causes this especially as extreme as it is for me still but I do know that it is a side effect of trauma and grief. I used to think 6 months was a long time but now it just flew by and I don’t even remember it. Which is probably a good thing. On one hand I feel like the past 6 months felt like hours and on the other it feels like eternity. It’s been 6 months since I have held her in my arms, heard her giggle, and played with her beautiful blonde curls, and that feels like an eternity! It is so hard to accept that I have to wait the rest of my life time until I see her again. That is so far away.

On Sunday I heard something at church from Pastor Jim that stuck with me. In Heaven, time is different than it is here on earth. For us to be reunited with our beautiful daughter's in Heaven, it seems like forever away but for them it’s only about 20 minutes. I envision that our beautiful daughters are up in Heaven together watching over us, saying look what our parents are doing! I hope they are friends up there and I hope they are proud of us. Jim’s daughter has been passed for four years now so he said it should only be about 15 more minutes to her before he’s up there. That made me smile. His encouraging words and faith shines so bright that it inspires me. He has been such a positive force in my life since the accident. I find myself thinking of his daughter

Spencer often as well. I think her personality and traits remind me of Rowyn if she would have made it to be a teenager. Blonde hair, so full of love that is shows through her big blue eyes in photos, always smiling and full of life on another level. Both of our daughters have inspired me so much to LOVE. Love more and shine bright like they do and I cant wait for 20 more heaven minutes to go by until I see Rowyn again and get to meet beautiful Spencer.