Easter Bunny Blues- A Blog by Brynn

Every milestone or holiday coming up seems to be all I can think about the week prior. It consumes me with sadness that I will have to face another “first” without Rowyn. This month seems to have a lot of those. This was my first Easter missing her. Of course I can't help but look back to last year and reminisce the day we shared as a WHOLE family. I love preparing for any holiday, especially buying gifts for my children. Last year Rowyn was only a year old but I still remember how excited she was to come down stairs and see her Easter basket overflowing with goodies. She was so sweet and tender as she pulled each little gift from her basket. She would stare at her stuffed bunnies and then give them a great big huggy. So opposite of my son who was tearing into his basket and throwing basket stuffing all over the place, screaming and running around like a Tasmanian devil. My daughter was just born sweet. It's like she was so thankful for her new gifts. She would hold up each goody to show me with a big smile. I remember taking the kids outside to look for the Easter eggs Daddy, aka the Easter bunny hid. Rowyn wasn't as fast as her big brother but she followed him around everywhere on their mission to find eggs. It's these special moments in my daughter’s short little life that I will forever cherish.

This year was different for us. Holidays feel incomplete now missing Rowyn. Even shopping and preparing Wyatt’s Easter basket wasn’t joyful for me. I still have an extremely hard time shopping for toys or baby clothes so I scanned thru one aisle at Freddie's quickly and grabbed a few things for Wyatt. My shopping for Rowyn didn’t include cute fluffy bunnies for her Easter basket instead I was picking out the perfect flowers to put on her grave. I seriously take forever picking out fresh flowers for her. I want them to be perfect and I try to make each bouquet meaningful in a different way.

My son’s demeanor was different this Easter as well. It's like he was humbled a little bit. I had left two Easter baskets outside his door. One from us and the other from my mom. Both baskets filled with boy stuff and candy. When he woke up he stared at them for a few minutes before he came over and we sat down cross legged together to open them. He looked at me and said “mommy the Easter bunny put sissy’s basket in front of my door.” The basket he insisted was his sissy’s was blue with race cars on it and filled with cars and trucks. I said “are you sure that's sissy’s? Maybe the Easter bunny brought both of them for you.” He still insisted that was his sissy’s. I told him they were actually both for him but we would take his sissy whatever he wanted to pick out for her. Last year there was a constant battle over him sharing his toys with her and this year he was going to give her his whole Easter basket filled with trucks.

I still found joy this Easter. It's a different way to experience happiness than before. I've been humbled as well. I didn't get as excited about buying the gifts and making a big production of it I simply was joyful that Christ has risen. It's about celebrating that and knowing we are forgiven. I know where my daughter is and it's in heaven. Being a believer has given me comfort because I know that's where I am going one day to be reunited with her. Until that day each holiday and “first” that we go through I will always do my best to honor and cherish her memory. We celebrate things differently now. I'm trying to create new traditions. New traditions that still include Rowyn. Like going to the cemetery. It's really not fun to go there but I love how Wyatt picked out a pink bracelet, 2 pink eggs, and a cross to take to his sissy on Easter. It's those moments that now are meaningful to me.