Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster- A Blog by Brynn

On Sunday I, along with the Raise for Rowyn team got the privilege to meet one of the families that we have helped. Their situation is almost identical to mine regarding the loss of their daughter. This family in particular really hit all of us hard. I am finding myself today still emotionally drained. Their heart break came home with me.

We met the mother and father of baby Alexa at Starbucks for coffee. Then followed by church and lunch. Of course they did not have much of an appetite but we needed a place to get to know one another and just offer support. I really connected with them. Through the time spent with them I somehow kept my composure and held it together. I really don’t know how I wasn’t sobbing listening to her in detail tell the story. I was in shock of myself that I wasn’t crying. I just knew I had to hold it together for them. Now this is about them and not me. I really wanted anyway possible to show her that even though she feels like her life is over and there is nothing to live for right now that down the road she will be okay. I remember the thoughts and the feelings still so well. I still have them sometimes. My heart is broken that another mother, father, sibling, and family is going through this sorrow.

After coming home from our day spent with them is when the deep sadness started to sink in. I went out to clean up Rowyn’s grave after and that just adds to my pain. I was in one of my quiet standoffish moods for the rest of the day. It’s really hard to explain or talk to my husband about it. I honestly don’t want to burden him with any of my deep dark pain as I know he has enough of his own. I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I wanted to go to bed early and get some rest. I crawled into bed a little after 8pm and read one of my heaven books. They always seem to put my mind at ease learning about where my baby girl lives. As I read the book it paints such a descriptive picture of heaven that I can almost visualize it. I start to imagine Rowyn playing in the grassy fields with all the other little angel babies we have helped. I really could picture her and baby Alexa together. They were only a few months apart in age and after talking with her mommy I think they would be great little angel friends. They both had big bows in their hair. In my exhaustion I fell asleep pretty quickly, but my peaceful rest didn’t last long before the nightmares started. It’s been awhile since I have had one but they came back not only with the images of my daughter passing but now also baby Alexa’s accident. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep and what I did get I just wanted to be awake so I wouldn’t see these horrific nightmares. Today I still feel like I am recovering. I didn’t know that somebody else’s grief and pain would hit me so hard and also open up some doors that I thought had been closed in my grieving process. I have said it so many times and I will continue to say that grief is such a roller coaster of emotions. I still don’t know day to day what it’s going to bring my way. Praying that tomorrow is a little easier.