Another Icky Day on the Calendar- A Blog by Brynn

“always pray, and never give up” Luke 18:1

Today marks 9 months since Rowyn’s passing. I actually didn’t even realize the date for awhile today but woke up and have been emotional all day. These days still come when I least expect it and hit hard. I am so grateful that I didn’t have to work today and face the public. I just don’t know if today was a day I could have sucked it up and kept it together. After realizing the date half way thru the day it made sense why I woke up emotional.

I have needed to go grocery shopping for days and have been putting it off because of the weekend plans and today I really didn’t have it in me to go either. So I put it off another day. Ultimately I just get to this point where I break down and need to let it out. I still ask God “why me?” I walked around my house by myself today talking to Rowyn. I am sure I look like a crazy person but after losing my daughter I think I am a little crazy. I miss her so much it makes my stomach hurt. I stared at her picture for a long time and ask her to comfort me. Never did I expect to be asking my 17 month old daughter in heaven to comfort me. When I’m at a low point I guess I am desperate for anything I can receive from her. I still haven’t watched the video of her that was played at her celebration of life but I have been thinking about it for months. I really want to but I know it’s going to hurt so bad. I am actually scared of the pain I know will hit me when I watch it.

Stuck home in my depressing state today I tried to keep busy. I decided to paint my kitchen. I finished most of the kitchen and then moved onto painting my dining room chairs. It was a little therapeutic to do something productive. It was easily a day that I could have stayed in bed all day feeling sorry for myself but I know that never feels good at the end of the day. So after accomplishing some new cuteness in my kitchen I actually felt better. Secluding myself to the house isn’t so bad when I get to doing projects.

Again on my hard days like today I compare my situation to other families that have lost. There was a mother at the Tears walk that had lost all five of her children. Another mother lost three…..I absolutely can’t imagine having anything to want to live for if I lost all my children. Looking at those mothers going on and making it encourages me to stay strong. I feel lucky that my situation wasn’t worse than it was. Women in this awful club that I’m in are the biggest form of encouragement I think there is. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy or that there isn’t going to be days like I had today that knock you on your ass but I hope I am encouraging another mother to keep fighting. I hope I am giving another mother hope and strength to get through the grief and pain. Not only is it inspiring for me to watch other woman in the same situation it also is healing for me to know that I can help them in some way.