I am Forgetting Something...- A Blog by Brynn

Over the past weekend we went out of town camping with good friends including some of the Raise for Rowyn team and their families. We were really excited to get out of town and take Wyatt camping because we had only taken him a few other times his whole life. Things just got a little hectic after having kids and tent camping with two babies was not ideal the last few years. Now that Wyatt is older things were much easier and we had a great time.

Preparing for camping I started packing bags, organizing food and bedding a few days before we left. I couldn’t help but feel sadness when I opened the hallway closet and saw Wyatt’s little kid Spiderman sleeping bag next to Rowyn’s pink princess sleeping bag. I just stared at it, like I didn’t know what to do with it. So I just shut the closet door and decided not to deal with the thoughts of sleeping bags for now. Part of me wanted to pack it up along with Wyatt’s because that’s what just felt like what I should be doing. But then I feel like a lunatic wanting to pack around my deceased daughter’s sleeping bag. She never even got to use her sleeping bag. We bought it for her for Christmas, her only Christmas and she never even got to use it.

The whole weekend of camping was great. The kids ran wild and free laughing and playing. Wyatt really loved being outdoors. I watched the other kids and kept imagining what Rowyn would be doing if she was there. I don’t even know what she would look like now. It’s been 9 months so I know she would have changed so much in that time. I would look at her cousin Tyler who is only a few months older than she would have been and can only think that Rowyn would be her size. Tyler was talking in complete sentences now which I never even got to hear Rowyn talk besides a few words. So as Tyler chattered away I was wondering what Rowyn would be saying. She was always much louder and boisterous than Tyler so I am sure once she could talk she would have not kept quiet.

Many times on the trip I would catch myself enjoying conversation with the adults and quickly look around to check on my kids….. I constantly felt like I was missing something. I was, it’s Rowyn. The moments were brief but for a split second I would feel like I was looking around for two children still. It’s so hard to explain but when I finally start to relax and let go of the pain briefly I will forget that she’s gone for just a second or two. Then it hit’s me again ‘oh ya I only have one kid to keep track of now.’

The trip really was enjoyable and the kids created many memories. I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to still go on these little trips. My mind is always consumed with Rowyn and going anywhere without her still feels incomplete. I actually at one point stood up and said under my breath “I forgot something and I don’t know what.” I figured it out quickly that I feel that way because I am missing my Ro Ro. Even the enjoyable moments in life still bring new and different challenges.