It's a Different Kind of Special- A Blog by Brynn

“There is no hand too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

My son Wyatt turned 4 years old on the 27th of this month. This is crazy to me. I know every parent out there has prepared me and told me how fast it goes by, but now that I am living it I can’t believe it.

I was planning on throwing him a party but had my anxiety overload and decided not to last minute. I had started buying décor and fun snacks well in advance. I ordered him the coolest fire truck cake. That’s what he’s into now ever since his Sissy passed away. The firefighter’s were distracting him by letting him play in their trucks.

As the days were getting closer to his birthday my anxiety got worse and worse. It’s so hard for me to even make a simple decision under pressure now let alone feel like I am capable of throwing a perfect birthday party. I used to love party planning and going over the top with everything but now the thought of having to entertain people flat out overwhelms me.It’s also hard to predict how my emotions are going to be in advance. I don’t know when a really hard day is coming, but when it does I am completely worthless.

The day of his birthday was one of those days. I woke up before he did and rushed to pick up his cake and cupcakes. We had balloons above his bed so he would see them as soon as he opened his eyes for the day. I wanted so badly to make the day special. I made him whatever he wanted for breakfast, which was pancakes with blueberries on top and powdered sugar. He asked me when his friends were coming over. Talk about feeling like the worst mom ever. I didn’t even invite any of his friends over for fear I couldn’t handle the day. I told him we were going to have a great day and see his cousins at the lake. I didn’t want him to see me cry so I slipped away upstairs. He’s seen more tears than any little kid should see and definitely didn’t want him to see me upset on his special day. I just couldn’t keep it in for some reason. The thoughts go through my mind that I will never see Rowyn turn 4 years old, 3, or even 2! She should be here to celebrate his birthday with us. Last year she had so much fun bouncing in his bounce house with him and going down the slide. I just couldn’t help but crumble at the thought of her not being here for this special occasion.

I went and hid in my room for awhile to try to compose myself. I still have Rowyn’s handprints and kiss prints on a large mirror leaned up against the wall by my bed. I sat down cross legged and stared at her kiss and hand prints. I will never hold her chubby little hands or kiss her pouty lips again. I stayed in my room for a long time until my husband came up and found me. I knew I needed to function so it was time to get up and put a smile on.

We headed out to the lake where Wyatt ended up having the best time. His cousins were there and they all played in the water and rode the jet skis. I didn’t feel so bad for not having a party after I saw how much fun he was having. We went home that evening and had family over for cake and ice cream. It ended up being a different kind of special. I know in my heart sissy is with us but I can’t help but miss her so much especially on special occasions.