The Other Side of Pain- A Blog by Brynn

After losing my daughter I have felt completely lost. I often find myself pacing around the house not knowing what I should be doing. For so long I kept so busy at home with two small children that there was never a moment that I was searching for something to do. I’ve felt so lonely and incomplete without her and I have been yearning for anything to help fill the emptiness. After months of begging my husband and searching I found the perfect puppy for our family. We have had Winnie, a Catahoula Leopard dog for about 4 months. She has definitely kept me busy. I forgot how much work it is to care for a puppy but she has become a part of our family and the new baby. I actually feel as though Rowyn helped me find her. She is now 25 weeks old. The same age as I am pregnant. She is a loyal companion. She does not leave my side, sleeps with me, and wants to be with me at all times. I love this about her because she does help me not feel so lonely. The one huge issue I have had training her is staying away from cars…..especially mine! She is always sad to see me leave and will chase my car down the driveway and she’s happy when I am coming home and runs out to greet me as I pull in. I have tried different methods of training for her and nothing has worked this far to keep her away from cars.

Yesterday I ran over Winnie in my driveway as I was pulling in from being gone in town. Most of you know I drive a large Suburban that’s lifted and visibility is not good. I saw her running from the house like she always does but once she’s next to the vehicle I can no longer see her. I was only going about 5mph and I felt a bump, bump. I instantly knew I had ran over her. I flashback to Rowyn’s accident and went into panic mode. I heard Winnie squealing and she went running away from the vehicle to hide under the front porch. I was surprised to see that she could run but relieved she was alive. I slammed the gear into park and ran towards the house. Cody and Papa Randy had heard the commotion and came running out to see what was going on. Staring at my husband just like I did that September morning I said “it was an accident.” Tears were streaming down my face as I was reliving that horrible day. Many things were racing through my mind. This is how my daughter died, in my driveway struck by a car. Now my dog’s going to die the same way. I can’t even imagine how Cassie feels even driving over a speed bump. Rowyn must really want a puppy in heaven. Cody pulled Winnie out from under the porch. She was in shock. She was bleeding from her mouth and after a few minutes not able to stand on her right side. I was pretty hysterical at this point. My sister in law drove me and Winnie to the emergency vet in lacey. The whole drive there I kept thinking Winnie was going to die in my arms. I was covered in her blood and she seemed to be struggling breathing. I am so so grateful that Rowyn did not suffer like this. I knew Winnie was in so much pain and I was thinking I couldn’t imagine if I had to see Rowyn suffering like that. She was gone in a second and didn’t have to be scared like my poor quivering puppy in my arms.

Winnie is in the emergency vet hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. She is having surgery on her mouth as I write this. On a positive note nothing was broken she just has damaged tissue and bruised lungs and is expected to make a full recovery. I am so relieved and amazed that the damage is not worse. I hate that my reality of thinking is comparing this accident to my daughter’s but it did put in perspective for me how Cassie must feel on a minor level. I feel so terrible that I ran over my puppy and I know that she struggles everyday with her role in my daughter’s death. Rowyn weighed 23 pounds when she died and Winnie weighs 32 pounds. They were close to the same size but the resilience of my dog is baffling to me. I just ran her over with my freaking monster truck and she doesn’t even have a broken bone. Maybe that was Rowyn protecting her because she knew Mommy still needs her around. I look at this as another learning lesson in my journey. Even though this was a terrible accident it has shown me a glimpse of Cassie’s pain. Now I need to get ready for church and ask forgiveness for all the cuss words I said yesterday.