Baby Blessing- A Blog by Brynn

‘A baby is a blessing, a gift from above, a precious little Angel to cherish and love.’

The biggest blessing that my family could receive was born on August 7th at 5:49am, Braxen Robert Dean Johnson. My very first nephew. After a long 31 hours of labor my sis in law and best friend, Emily finally had to have him C section. He weighed a healthy 7 pounds and 6 ounces and 19 inches long. He is absolutely perfect in every way. During the long process of labor I stayed completely calm and just tried to be the strength that she needed, but as soon as I held baby Braxen and looked at his perfect little face I couldn’t keep it together any longer. I have never loved someone else’s child so much. I love him as much as my own but in a different way. Im obsessed and just want to spoil him rotten and always protect him. I feel so paranoid about anything happening to him since losing my own baby. He has the same birth mark in between his eyes as Rowyn. It’s a little red stork bite that will fade with time. I can’t help but wonder if my angel gave that to him to reassure us that she has already met him before he got here. As I stared at his tiny face with his symbolic mark I completely crumbled. She delivered at Saint Peters hospital, the same that I had Rowyn. We even had the same nurse. The nurse actually remembered Rowyn. It was a special time reliving those memories from when I had Rowyn to now creating new ones with a new precious baby. The emotions have been heavy this week. I’m so filled with love and happiness for my new nephew and at the same time sadness and loneliness missing my own baby. I have three more months until my due date and it seems like an eternity away. I can’t wait to have my own baby snuggles again. Baby snuggles that can last all night and not have to go home next door.

Next month will be a year since Rowyn’s passing. I have been really struggling trying to grasp that this is still my life. I have been so crazy busy with Raise for Rowyn, work, baby showers, weddings, and family stuff that the summer has flown by. It hasn’t given me very much down time to focus on my sadness and grief which has been good. Our last Raise for Rowyn event is the 29th of this month and we have nothing planned for a few months until winter time. I am already so scared for September to roll around. I’ve been having anxiety about it this whole month. I know I will have nothing to focus on except the dreaded anniversary of my daughter’s death. I’m in complete denial that a whole year could have passed. I used to love this time of year, crisp mornings but still hot during the day and preparing for fall. Well now this is my least favorite month of the year. I’m scared because I don’t like to feel out of control and that feeling is slowly creeping back over me. I’m feeling out of control with my emotions, like a time bomb about to go off at any moment. These moments are acceptable yes…..but behind closed doors. I dread the thought of breaking down in public. I’ve realized through all this grieving that I am good at being the strong one but I’m terrible at being the weak one. Still almost a year later I sometimes think she is still in her crib in the mornings when I wake up. This bad dream is not going to end and I really need to accept this is my reality……for real. I still have a hard accepting that this is my life. How can I have lost a child??....I ask God still, why me? I am so very lucky to have the support system I have and I am definitely going to be spending as much time with my precious nephew as possible. Please pray for Cassie and my families leading into the dreaded month. We are both desperately needing the comfort from God to get thru this horrible anniversary date.